The generally acknowledged "original" goes as follows:
Even the original is subject to variation, the most common involving more people turning the entire house around. There is no uniformity as to the target of derision: in America is it usually the Polish people, while in Britain it is the Irish who are lampooned. The jokes are by no means limited to English-speaking countries, for example, the Russians tell the same joke about the Moldavia?ns.
This generic usability prompted one commentator to create the "all-purpose ethnic version" which reads as follows:
The reader may legitimately wonder if the author of the above joke gets invited to many parties.
A comprehensive listing of known variations has been provided. Note that in many cases multiple answers are provided. The following list of joke variants is broadly grouped into four categories:
"Essay-style" versions of the joke get their own page at /Long lightbulb jokes.
Nations and their armies - Q: How many armies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up without really trying, the Italians to start, get nowhere and try again from the other side, the Americans to finish off the job and then claim credit for the whole thing, and the Swiss to pretend that nothing happened. (Don't get it? See WWII.)
Californians - Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Six. One to screw it in and five to share the experience.
A2: None -- they screw in hot tubs!
Jewish mothers - Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, I'll just sit here in the dark, and this pain I have - oy vey you should never know...
Oregonians - Q: How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
[Valley girl]?s - Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer shure!
Catholics - Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only One. (Don't get it? This is a reference to the Trinity.)
Existentialists - Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Feminists - Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
[Greek Orthodox Priests]? - Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you mean, "change"!?
Liberals - Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.
Marxists - Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
"Pro-lifers" - Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Socialists - Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
Stoners - Q: How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Woah dude, so that where the light comes from!
Surrealists - Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish.
Ufologists - Q: How many ufologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's *NOT* funny.
Yuppies?/WASPs? - Q: How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to mix the martinis and the other to call the electrician.
Zen Masters - Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: A tree in a golden forest.
A2: Two. One to change and one not to change.
A2a: "One to change and one not to change" is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is "Four. One to change the bulb."
A3: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
Accountants - Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Brewers - Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Central Intelligence Agency - Q: How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Ten thousand: one to change the bulb, one to botch the job, and the rest to form a massive cover-up.
Committee members - Q: How many committee members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items noted in the minutes. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Computer programmers - Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that's a hardware problem!
Football players - Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
[Fraternity brothers]? - Q: How many fratboys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; fratboys don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in pools of vomit.
Graduate students - Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Mathematicians - Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. It's left as an exercise for the reader.
A2: In a recent article, Robertson states:
Microsoft executives - Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Microsoft doesn't change lightbulbs; it declares darkness the new standard.
[Middle managers]? - Q: How many middle managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Movie Directors - Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last lightbulb was much better.
Mystery writers - Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Tabloid Editors - Q:How many tabloid editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
Therapists - Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
Unimaginative people - Q: How many unimaginative people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Vietnam veterans - Q: How many vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW!YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!!YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!
These variants use the fictional alien races of Star Trek.
Vulcans - Q: How many vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but is has to be a very large light bulb and they can only do it once every seven years.
Klingons? - Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: one to change the light bulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.
Self-reference - Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
(Don't get it? This is a reference to the mathematician Kurt Goedel and his work on self-reference.)
See also /Long lightbulb jokes
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